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And now for some levity …

• CATEGORIES: Features

After last night’s post, I figured readers needed something more humorous.  So, during some searches today, I stumbled upon some funny definitions of tools.  It turns out these definitions have landed on a number of forum sites, however not many sites attribute this clever bit of writing to the original author, Peter Egan.   Thanks to Swapmeetdave for doing some research into this.

Without further ado here are a few of these …

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Mechanic’s Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Additional ones I found here, though they could be from Peter as well …

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

Two-ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

Dammit Tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.


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